"Why can't we just all get along?"
That thought has more than once echoed in the corridors of my heart as I have sought to mediate relational problems. In my own life, I have had to take a close look at the part of me that exacerbates conflict and I have had to ask myself, "What value is there in insisting on being right in this situation?" More often than not, therein lies the fertile ground of division--my need to be right, or my "rights"!
It seems in recent weeks I have observed a proliferation of relationship issues; perhaps it is the season. Families come together and long-term issues, often ignored, are reignited. It is also a time when people are inordinately stressed--shopping, spending, special events, etc. The combination of all of these factors--and the predictable unpredictability of human emotions coupled with pride--creates a distasteful recipe for conflict.
How do we move through the grid of difficult human relationships? How do we deal with the grit of hurt feelings and unresolved conflict? There are, obviously, no magical formulas that can catapult us to the instant euphoria of peace, but there are some things we can individually determine for ourselves to "as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone", Romans 12:19.
Here is a list of questions I have formulated for myself in assessing difficult relationships, or, as Joyce Landorf identifies them in her book, relationships with "irregular people".
What can I own that belongs to me that has contributed to the the tension? What have I done to deal with the part of my responsibility I have owned?
If I have not done that, am I willing to take the first step to acknowledge my part and to ask forgiveness of the one I may have offended?
If I have dealt with my responsibility appropriately, what part of what is unresolved can I relinquish? Can I release my feelings regarding this without ownership of responsibility on the other person's part?
If I am stuck here, can I set boundaries for myself that will redefine the relationship on terms that allow for my willingness to forgive and "move on" while at the same time protect me from further hurt from someone who "just doesn't get it"?
God's grace is the defining enabler in situations where resolution seems impossible. "Be kind and compassionate one to another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). This scriptural admonition includes the "each other", and implies reciprocity or mutual participation. Take the first step by obeying God, and, then, relinquish the rest of it to God. Do not make your healing dependent upon the "adversarial" party's response, and be held hostage there.
Rid of the grit of your own anger and hostility you are now free to move through the grid of relational difficulty and to find a place of personal peace--even if that "irregular person" has not responded as you hoped.
The Christmas season can be a time when you extend a gift that may not be returned, but you will be blessed, and others potentially as well, "because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" II Coriunthians 9:14.
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